Why Do I Keep Choosing the Wrong People? Trauma, Attachment, and Relationship Patterns

Why We Repeat the Same Relationship Patterns

Most people don’t intentionally choose partners who hurt or disappoint them. Yet the same dynamics tend to show up again and again. Trauma often plays a powerful role here, shaping what feels familiar, what feels safe, and what feels like “home”—even when it isn’t good for you.

Your nervous system is wired by past relationships, especially early ones. If love was unpredictable, chaotic, or conditional, your body may unconsciously seek similar dynamics in adulthood—not because you want pain, but because it feels familiar.

How Trauma Shapes Attraction and Attachment

Attachment wounds can distort your internal map of relationships. You may feel drawn to partners who replicate old wounds or reenact past dynamics. Trauma can also impair boundaries, making it difficult to recognize red flags or trust your instincts.

This is not a moral failing. It is a survival adaptation. The brain gravitates toward what it understands, even when it’s painful.

Why These Patterns Are Hard to Recognize

People often blame themselves for poor relationship choices, not realizing trauma is influencing their emotional responses. You might rationalize toxic behavior, ignore discomfort, or feel compelled to “fix” people. These patterns often develop after experiences of neglect, emotional inconsistency, betrayal, or abandonment—experiences that rarely feel dramatic enough to be called trauma but profoundly shape attachment.

How ART Helps Break the Cycle

ART helps heal relationship patterns by targeting the emotional imprints from earlier attachments that are still influencing your choices. By reprocessing these memories, the nervous system stops confusing familiarity with safety. You become more sensitive to genuine connection and less drawn to harmful patterns.

Clients often describe feeling like someone “took off the emotional blinders.” They notice red flags earlier, trust themselves more, and feel drawn to healthier people—because their nervous system is no longer repeating old stories.

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If you’re ready to break painful relationship patterns, ART can help you create a new experience of love and connection.
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Peer-Reviewed References

• Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood.

• Hughes, D. (2007). Attachment and trauma in relationships. Attachment & Human Development.

• van der Kolk, B. A. (2006). Childhood trauma and adult relationships. Psychiatric Clinics of North America.

• Kip, K. E. et al. (2013). ART outcomes for trauma-related symptoms. Behavioral Sciences.